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2.
Tired of the lying and half truths?
Do you lie?
Parents
can make themselves into liars.
"Jimmy,
you must eat all your dinner before you get dessert."
"Yes,
Sarah, you may go with your friends Saturday if all
your chores are done."
If
Jimmy gets dessert for any reason without eating all
of his dinner, or if Sarah goes with friends on Saturday
for any reason without finishing all of her chores,
then the above statements were both lies, and the
persons who made them are liars. Do you ever make
promises and then not follow through? If so, your
promises and threatened consequences were untrue.
They were false; they were lies, and you became a
liar.
Why don't
kids listen?
Kids
don't listen because we are lying to them when we
don't follow through with what we say. We actually
train our children not to believe us when we say things
that do not happen. Our lying destroys our credibility.
Kids soon come to pay attention only to what we do
and not to what we say. They become parent deaf.
Are there
benefits for not lying?
+
Yes! When you tell them no, they don't argue because
they know it will be useless.
+
They do their work because they know the promised
consequences will surely take place.
+
You tell them once, and they listen.
Following
is an example of how to avoid lying. The child had
been told she could go with friends only if she cleaned
her room first. It has not been cleaned.
Child:
"Mom, the kids are here, can I go?"
Mom:
"Is your room clean?"
Child:
"No, but I didn't have time."
Mom:
"If you didn't clean your room, then you know the
answer."
Child:
"Mom, I'll do anything if you'll let me go, just
this once!"
Mom:
"You're asking me to become a liar, and I will
not do that for you or anyone else. If your work is
done, you may go."
Child:
"But, you didn't remind me! "
Mom:
"I've told you that you are totally responsible for
managing your own time and that I will not assume
your responsibilities or remind you."
Do you bluff?
Listen
to what you say. Never make requests or threaten consequences
you aren't willing to follow through on.
Should you
renegotiate consequences?
No!
Never! Once rules and consequences are in place, they
can only be changed in family council. If lost TV
privileges were the consequence for arguing over which
program to watch, you must make it stick. Don't let
them talk you out of it by bargaining. "Mom, please!
Can we watch the program and lose TV tomorrow?"
If you renegotiate consequences, you become a liar.
You also invite such negotiation and begging about
consequences in the future.
In
other words, if Mother renegotiates consequences now,
she is...
1.
not revoking privileges that should be revoked for
arguing,
2.
rewarding arguing by allowing the children to watch
TV,
3.
disrespecting the rules, and
4.
training her children to argue over consequences in
the future because she is allowing arguing to pay
off.
Dos inconsistency
leads to insecurity?
When
parents are inconsistent, a child never knows what
to expect because his environment is unpredictable
and confusing. If a child is punished every time for
a certain behavior, it makes sense to him. To be punished
sometimes, and to get away with it at other times,
is confusing. Inconsistent discipline and inconsistent
love bewilder the child. He cannot figure out the
world he lives in. Studies show that inconsistency
in the home can be damaging to the child because he
can never feel secure in an environment he doesn't
understand. It's easier for a child to adjust to a
strict home, or to a permissive home, than to try
to adapt to a home that vacillates between the two.
Inconsistency
in home discipline also reinforces disobedience. If
a parent punishes at times for not making the bed,
but does not punish at other times, the child is reinforced
for not making the bed.
How can you start being consistent?
Decide
on a short list of desirable behaviors. Choose one
or two for immediate attention. Describe the desired
behavior to the child along with consequences. Spend
time tracking this behavior, applying the reward or
punishment every time. The change will be dramatic.
Remember,
don't make promises or threats that you are not willing
to back up. Let your word always be the truth. Make
an issue of truth. The children will see that model,
and they will incorporate it. This is foundation for
integrity.
How
to apply these principles to your kids:
By using the Kudos! For kids system, you are training
your children to know that you won't lie and that
if they don't perform they will lose their privileges,
behavior will improve because they know that the
consequence will come to pass every time. |
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