1.
Are you sick of the arguing and constant fighting?
Why do you argue with your children?
Are
there any good reasons for parents to argue? No!
Then why do they argue with their children? Because
of two false assumptions:
1.
Parents believe the children could benefit by understanding
the reasoning process. They feel that they should explain
why they made their decision.
2.
Parents believe that after the children see the wisdom
of the parental perspective, they will agree with the
parents and be happy about their decision.
These
two assumptions are ridiculous. If they were true, after
a parent explained why rock concerts were bad, a child
would smile and say, "Gee, Dad, I didn't realize
that it was a bad environment there, with drugs and
all. Thanks for the great counsel. What a guy! Thank
heaven we have parents! I'll stay home and read a book."
Ever hear anything like that? Neither have I!
Shouldn't parents explain
why their decisions are best?
The
truth is that you do not have to defend your decisions
or convince your children that you are right and they
are wrong. You can give your reasons, but do not allow
counter-arguments. "Here are my reasons, one,
two and three. Besides that, I don't feel right about
it. The decision is final." To further objections
you could say, "I'm sorry you feel bad about the
decision. I would be disappointed, too, but the decision
is final." If their objections persist, use,
"It is final, and if there is any more contention
over this, there will be certain consequences. Now
it's your choice: forget it, or...........and...........will
happen."
Do
not expect that they will understand, agree, or be
happy about it. That's not essential. It's unrealistic
to assume a child will understand your concerns. They
do not have the advantages of your years of experience.
Besides, a lot of teens think they are bullet proof,
that nothing could ever happen to them. Children must
come to understand that in life they will sometimes
be required to follow decisions they neither like
nor understand.
Why do kids argue with you?
Because
it pays off for them! When a child is arguing with
you, he is not trying to understand you; he is trying
to defeat your argument. When he wants to do something
very much, he is probably not open to facts that invalidate
his reasons for doing what he wants.
Here are several good reasons
for a child to argue:
1. To delay complying with
your requests.
2. To convince you he is right
and talk you out of your decision.
3. To negotiate and bargain
for a better deal.
4. To cause a fight that is
so distasteful that you give in.
5. To enjoy the thrill of
engaging you in a contest of wills (his 60 pounds
against Dad's 200 pounds).
6. To make you suffer before
he must comply.
How can you stop the arguing
forever?
Five
elements are useful in eliminating arguing with children
in the home. These are techniques to stop arguing
forever!
1. THE SPONGE: Soaks
up all their arguments. Ask "Why?"
When
a child asks, "Can I ...?" you say, "Tell
me about it. Why should you go?" "Well, we're
going to...Can I go?" "Well, tell me some
more about it." Have him tell you more and more.
Get him to tell you every possible reason why he should
go. You allow him to exhaust his entire argument for
going. After he is through and you have evaluated
all the information, you say something like, "No,
you may not go. I'm sure it would be fun, but you
may not go." If the child asks, "Why?" he
is not interested in collecting more data. His why?
is designed to get you to present an objection he
can attack and overcome. Refuse to answer the whys
and use one of the deflectors.
2. DEFLECTORS: Nevertheless,
Regardless, In spite of that, etc.
When
a child continues to argue, do the following: First,
acknowledge what he says. Second, use a deflector.
Johnny:
"Well, that's stupid and lame!"
Mom:
"Sweetheart, it may be stupid and lame, but
nevertheless the answer is no."
Johnny:
"That's not fair, everyone else is going!"
Mom:
"Regardless of whether it's fair or not,
and in spite of the fact everyone else is going, the
answer is no."
There
are many other deflectors such as, "I understand;
however,..." Make up your own. They all serve
the same purpose.
3. THE BROKEN RECORD:
Without arguing, the broken record simply repeats
over and over, "Nevertheless, the answer
is no."
Child:
"Well, everyone else is going!"
Parent:
"In spite of that, the answer is no."
Child:
"Well, that's stupid!"
Parent:
"Regardless of whether it's stupid or not, the
answer is no."
Child:
"It's perfectly safe!"
Parent:
"It may be safe, but nevertheless, the answer
is no."
Note
that Mother does not argue whether everyone else is
going or not, whether it's stupid or safe, etc. She
does show that she has taken note of the objections
by mentioning them and then reaffirming her decision.
4. UNHOOK: It is
important not to allow the tension to build. Simply
leave the situation and disengage from the child.
Stop talking, stop justifying your decisions. You'll
just make things worse.
5. AVOIDING HARASSMENT: Do
not tolerate any harassment. It is modeling that you
accept abuse. This is a boundary issue. Some children
will get angry, complain and attempt to follow you
around or make threats. They need to know beforehand
that there will be serious consequences if they persist.
In fact, consequences should have been discussed in
family council so the children know what the consequences
will be for harassing their parents. Consequences
need to be severe enough to leave no doubt in a child's
mind, even when he's upset, that pursuing the issue
is not worth it.
How
to apply these principles to your kids:
With the Kudos! For Kids system, there is no more
arguing in your family. The program extinguishes
arguing and bickering, it also helps your children
listen to you. |
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